I’ve seen enough Law & Order to understand that the world is not a safe place. I’ve seen Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe pull enough innocent college students (turned hookers, turned mail order brides, turned drug mules) out of dumpsters to understand that security is a commodity and not necessarily a given. I’ve seen enough guest appearances by Hollywood luminaries to understand that celebrities are struggling to help those of us without security details navigate our unsafe world.
But the danger extends far past the shadowy streets of
Okay… maybe kidnapped is too strong of a word. Doggedly propositioned is more accurate (although kidnapped has greater impact). Semantics are not important in circumstances such as these.
What is important to note that is still an alarming number of gentlemen who are clinging to the unromantic notion of meeting their soul mate in a public transit situation and believe that said person will not be annoyed/concerned/rebuffed by their intentions.
That misconception, coupled with an unhealthy desire to people-please, proved to be a recipe for disaster.
I, for one, believe that any conversation that ends with one party shouting across a busy street “if you knew how popular I am, you would be kicking yourself right now!” is a conversation that the most self respecting of us should learn from.
With that in mind, I’ve spent the better part of three days combing the online repository for truth in an effort to provide tips for avoiding situations like this. Unfortunately, searches for “how to avoid abduction” or “how to reject unwanted advances” proved to be relatively fruitless. Therefore, after sifting through numerous educational videos for children (none for naïve adults, mind you) and the blogs of well-meaning (and lame-o) advocates for their fellow man, I realized that I would have to make my own guidelines.
So… without further ado… SnarkyGirl’s Tips for Avoiding Unwanted Romantic Advances:
1) Be unapproachable. Nothing says ‘leave me the eff alone’ like someone with an i-Pod stuck in their ears.
2) Make like a wallflower. The most boring girl on the train rarely gets followed home. Stick your nose in O magazine and mind your own business.
3) Accept compliments wisely. If you really need the bum to tell you that you look beautiful, maybe you should find some better friends… or a puppy.
4) Never have a number. Too many pick up lines begin or end with a cell phone reference so keep the sucker in your pocket and pretend it doesn’t exist.
5) Create an easily accessible identity. For example, my bar name is Abby. I work at an indistinguishable advertising agency and grew up in
6) A pack of girls is the best deterrent. Not a fan of high-estrogen evenings? Me neither. But your friends may be the best guy repellent out there (tell them this next time you want an evening alone).
7) Be a little weird. Never underestimate the recoil power of a holiday-themed turtleneck or iron-on transfer sweatshirt.
8) Always have a fake boyfriend handy. Mine is named Leo and we’ve lived together for two years (coincidentally, this description also fits my cat).
9) Pay attention to your surroundings. 98% of women who don’t daydream while walking home make it home safely (statistic citation not found).
10) If all else fails, pull out the pepper spray. You can buy couture pepper spray here. Meijer brand also works but it doesn't say 'glamour' as you threaten someone's vision and breathing for the rest of their life.
Look out for each other and be safe, friends.
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