Dr. Web, M.D. (or Self Diagnosis 101)

I'm baaaaaack!

Sorry for the long hiatus, guys. Its one of those things that can only be explained by three possible events: 1) I started a cult and got busy with the trifling details of being a spiritual leader. 2) I was kidnapped, held for ransom, and it took two weeks for my Paypal account to reach an amount that satisfied the kidnappers (thanks for the donations, y’all). Or 3) I experienced some kind of debilitating injury that prevented me from posting anything for two weeks.

Spoiler: it was #3. (How many of you were Googling my cult to try to join it?!)

I really have a love/hate relationship with being sick or hurt. On one hand, the attention paid to me increases exponentially and the experience makes for a good anecdote once I’ve recovered. But on the other hand, the attention I get is not the kind of attention I particularly crave and frankly, being sick cramps my style.

So much does it cramp my style that I’ve taken to relying on self-diagnosis as a means for recovery. Back in college, my favorite professor indirectly introduced me to WebMD, thus commencing an off and on relationship with the virtual healthcare provider.

Some might say that my relationship with WebMD is stronger than my relationship with my actual physician. Unfortunately, this online practitioner lacks prescribing privileges so in times of great distress, I must crawl out of my online information cave and make the trek to my real, live doctor.

Good old WebMD was kind enough to go to the appointment with me. Armed with printouts from the handy symptom checker, I brought data combed from all sources of information (read: Wikipedia) about what I was sure was causing my distress: Lyme Disease.

Never mind how I thought I’d acquired this in the middle of January in Ohio. The adorable med student didn’t seem to mind either as he earnestly listened to my well supported reasoning behind my diagnosis. After conferring with my real doctor (noticeably less amused by WebMD), the two came back to me with a non tick-induced diagnosis*.

As an explanation of their diagnosis, they offered me a printout of their own from a doctors-only online database of medical conditions. I guess they were right about what was wrong with me… but I was right about something too – don’t knock the online doctor when your live doctor seems to be using the exact same thing.

*Not to be shared due to HIPAA guidelines and personal modesty.